Surrender is a scary word. Surrender means you have to be comfortable with the unknown, it brings a certain sense of peace also, now that your mind can stop playing the various kinds of scenarios on how things can or cannot work out in your mind. I know I said that I have been surrendering over the pass few days, but today, I am surrendering even more. I am releasing him, I am surrendering my dreams of marriage and children. Do not get me wrong I still have faith that my dreams will come true but I feel like I am free of all the worry, frustrations and most of all fear. I am also slowly coming to terms that I will be okay if I am not with him or if my dreams do not come to pass.
Surrender is a big lonely word. Since you can stop playing the scenarios of how things will work out, suddenly you are left with a void. Suddenly, you do not know how to find solace. Sometimes your eyes well up with tears sometimes, at times you assure yourself that you will be okay. It is scary to know that you have to go back to square one and learn to live again. When will this end ?
They say to really heal you have to sit with your emotions and really feel it. To know that your emotions and thoughts are not you. You are merely the observer. At this time despite doing TM I feel that these words are easier said than done. It is scary to sit with my emotions, its even harder to not give it thoughts. Despite all that, there are times that I look up at the trees, watch the leaves swaying in the wind, feel the breeze touching my skin, I feel at peace, because at precisely this moment I can feel that I am just "being". For a few seconds the pain and suffering just goes away.
I think the reason I am documenting this TM journey is not just to help you but to help myself. Or just to fill up the void that I am feeling.
I know that my TM teacher emphasised that there are no good or bad meditation. Every meditation is changing you for the better whether you see it or not. However, on days I cannot feel my meditation working, it takes more effort to be happy. It takes more effort to just be present in the moment. It takes a little more effort to appreciate and be grateful. It takes more effort to be positive.